Mother Nature’s natural fertility rate is only about 20% per month for a healthy, fertile 30-year-old woman. That means that for every 100 fertile 30-year-old woman trying to get pregnant in one cycle, 20 will be successful and the other 80 will have to try again.
Okay, let me tell you a story about my first (infertility) reality slap in the face.
A close friend of mine Lo and I had competed in CrossFit together for years. We always talked about getting pregnant around the same time after our last competitive season and even timed going off of our birth control together so we would be on the same page. Our plan was great in theory and we talked and dreamed about summer stroller dates together at the zoo and our babies being besties.
I still remember when she called me and told me she was late for her period and I had this moment of panic like “shit, her baby is going to be older than mine, I have to get pregnant like next month.” lol – I laugh because I know now what journey we had ahead of us at that point. Man, was I oblivious.
Fast forward, a few years, Lo’s baby is adorbs, of course, and turns 2 in July! Maybe we can plan pregnancy #2 together and reschedule those zoo dates 😉
For a whole year, I was devastated on a monthly basis. I overanalyzed my symptoms, my body, and obsessed with ovulation before finally deciding my “body was broken.”
At the time, I chose not to share my disappointment with anyone. I found joy in being an amazing dog mom and bonus mom. I didn’t want to show that this obstacle was slowly closing in on me and crushing me emotionally.
You know, we all have those friends or family members who basically think about getting knocked up and the next thing you know they are expecting a baby. While Justin and I will never experience that type of surprise, I love that there are people that have those special miracles in their life. I don’t feel anger, resentment, or hold anything against those couples. I always feel happy for you, but I do feel a little sadness for myself and our situation at the same time, and I think that’s okay.
There was a period of time where I didn’t know how to handle those emotions. I felt overwhelmed, anxious, and alone trying to overcome the sadness I felt going to baby showers or explaining myself to anyone that asked when we were having kids.
A few months ago, I was at a friend’s baby shower that happened to be co-ed. They had a game set up to play with your spouse (if they were there) where you are blindfolded and changed the diaper of a doll. When they called the couples into the living room to play, the thought of participating made me so deeply sad, and I literally couldn’t get my shit together enough to join them. I was extremely embarrassed and got pretty defensive and ended up sitting in the basement with the kids while tears rolled down my cheeks and I pretended to watch them play video games.
At that time, not many people knew where we were at in our journey, and because I hadn’t ever really even accepted where we were at, it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. I like to think that being open and talking about this now might help me work through something that so clearly “triggered” me, but who knows. Just don’t expect me to play games at your baby shower, I guess 😉 (totally kidding)
I’ll continue to share this journey… The good. The bad. And everything in between, in hopes that it might make someone feel a little more human and a little less crazy as they navigate the highs and lows of infertility.
If you know someone in a similar situation, spread the love and share the word with this post and help others feel the support they need during a difficult time.
If my story isn’t resonating with you, I have a series of other stories of infertility hope that are shared through Be Unstoppable Radio this week
Love, Cass
