“It’s a choice to make daily– to choose faith over doubt.” 

Our first round of IVF has failed. 

The genetic testing results showed that both embryos (a male and a female) that made it to day five had chromosomal abnormalities and are not viable for transfer. 

You know, throughout this process, I haven’t struggled to share parts of our journey with you. I’ve enjoyed helping others feel less alone, empowered, and hopeful. It has also been somewhat therapeutic for me to be open and honest about the highs and lows of infertility. This news, however, has been challenging. I haven’t wanted to share or talk to anyone about it because it hit us like a ton of bricks and our hearts feel crushed. 

Before we received the news on our genetic testing results, I had a call with my nurse, and we had mapped out the steps we would be taking for the embryo transfer. While I knew there was a possibility of neither one of the embryos being viable for transfer, I didn’t pay too much attention to that because I just wanted so badly for this to work out. I remember getting off of the phone and being irritated and discouraged about the five-week-long medication process leading up to the transfer and not just being able to have what I want right now. I now look back on my reaction to that very recent phone call and feel angry with myself for being upset about that process because it’s not even an option now. 

With the first round failing, this means that we will undergo another egg retrieval. Unfortunately, this means more time, another 2-3 weeks of shots, another surgery, and another big chunk of change (about 15K). 

I spoke with my doctor over the phone for an hour last week and picked her brain on a million things. I wanted to know what I did wrong, why my egg quality was low, if it had anything to do with sperm quality, and what we would be doing differently next time. She said that sometimes there are just bad cycles of IVF and unexplained reasons for egg quality to be poor, especially with someone like me that is young, healthy, exercises and eats healthy, has no history of miscarriages, and is free from endometriosis and PCOS. 

I hung up the phone feeling sad, overwhelmed, and terrified that it wouldn’t ever work and I’ll never be able to start a family with Justin. I can’t help but wonder why we are being faced with this challenge. I pray every night for support, answers, and a miracle. 

Our next round for egg retrieval won’t begin until mid-august. We will be trying a few different things this time around to see if my egg quality improves. Here’s what’s different: 

• We will not start with birth control and will base our start date on my natural cycle this time around.
• We will supplement HGH injections and Testosterone cream to support egg quality. 
• We will be increasing the dose of all 3 of the stimulation injections (menopur, gonal-f, and cetrotide) 
• I’m currently on day 3/7 of a hormone flush to remove all excess estrogen and meds from my body and establish a better baseline. 
• In addition to fish oil and prenatals, I’ll be supplementing with Ubiquinol CoQ10, Vitamin E, Vitamin C, Alpha-Lipoic Acid, and NAC to support cellular repair and antioxidants in hopes of improving egg quality.  
• I’ll be dry brushing & sweating each day to support detoxification. 
• My diet will remain gluten-free and dairy-free, but I will be increasing my fatty acid intake to help support the production of progesterone and uterine health.
• We will be more conscious of cleaning up toxins around the house and through personal care products to reduce exposure to chemicals. 
• Exercising will remail at five days a week with lower intensity. 
• Daily walks and a step goal of 10K will still be part of our routine. 
• Stress relief and downtime are going to be a big focus for me as well. I’m hoping we can get into the mountains 4-5 times between now and the next round.

I’ll continue to do my best to share what’s going on and how I feel through this journey. In all honestly, I’m struggling to find much to say because I feel worn out, devastated, and overwhelmed about the journey ahead. I want to show up and be the positive and strong person that so many of you have said that I am, but it’s just not there right now. I find myself quickly triggered to burst into tears when I’m alone or have too much time to think about our reality. Poor Justin never knows what’s wrong with me or exactly why I’m crying; he just comforts me and holds me tight. I’m so grateful for his love and patience with me. 

If you know someone experiencing infertility and you want to be there for them but are unsure how, ask them this simple question; “How can I support you today?” 

Sometimes we are ready to talk. 

Sometimes we don’t want to say a word. 

Sometimes we can laugh about it. 

Sometimes we just want to cry. 

And sometimes, we just want to know that the support is there when we need it. 

I appreciate all of you that have followed our journey,

love you. xo