Day 1:
3 things that I learned from my first series of shots:
1 – panic breathing doesn’t help the situation
2 – alternating panic breathing and holding your breath gets you one step closer to crying
3 – Giving yourself a shot is harder than it sounds
When I use to compete, whenever I would walk out onto the floor and I was waiting for my own “3,2,1,go” I always had this moment of “I can’t do this” accompanied with a heavy feeling in my stomach, and I would literally look for ways to escape. Luckily I never followed that feeling, but it seriously happened every single time.
All week I was so nervous for these shots. I’m sure that’s part of what made today so difficult. I was anticipating it. Losing sleep over it. Dreaming about it… Trying to figure out ways I could control the outcome, etc. as I picked up these little syringes, I felt like I was on deck and competing again. I was shaking, my heart was pounding, and I looking for an escape route because I wanted to bail.
I’m not afraid of needles, obviously. I’m covered in tattoos and they have never bothered me before. There’s just something about giving yourself shots that is a little nauseating.
I snapped a pic and recorded it, thinking that I’d have this upbeat and positive material to share. Unfortunately I ugly cried so hard between shots then got so dizzy I almost passed out, I don’t think it’s the cool stuff you might find hopeful and inspiring 😂 🤷🏻♀️
I experienced a wave of emotions today. I felt angry, weak, sad, and lonely. I experience feelings of sadness as I dwell on the fact that this is our current reality, then I feel guilty knowing that this process isn’t even an option for some. I question if I really feel ill, or if I’m overanalyzing symptoms and looking for things to complain about… at the same time, trying hard not to complain at all. I hate feeling weak and so consumed with something at the same time. My brain is at war with itself today, but I’m doing my best to mitigate the thoughts and stay distracted.
Day 1 of these shots wasn’t ideal. As I think about the weeks I have ahead, it actually makes me nauseous and I can feel my heart start to race. I’m hoping that having Justin do my shots tomorrow will be easier and a little less traumatic. I’m also going to sit or lay down for the shots in hopes of not getting so lightheaded and dizzy since that brought on quite a headache throughout the rest of today.
As far as symptoms: headache (I think from crying and getting so dizzy), slight bubble guts, and bloating- which I actually think is still from taking the antibiotics on an empty stomach yesterday, and irritable as fuck as a staple lately.
I’m also just very much so in a pity party kind of mood. I ordered myself flowers and had them delivered and did some online shopping because who doesn’t need another pair of shoes to workout in?
Day 2
So, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have another sleepless night a little worried about the shots and the mindset I was in yesterday. I wanted to sleep in a little bit because I have been so worn out, but I found myself tossing and turning around 5-6 am just feeling anxious about how things would go today.
Luckily, I had Justin there for support and to actually give me the shot, phew! The quicker “jab” and not having to watch the needle penetrate my belly was so much better. I still saw stars and had to drop to my knees because I was so incredibly dizzy. Once I was able to stand up, I had a major hot flash and had to go step outside because I was drenched in sweat and incredibly nauseated. I eventually made it back into bed and cuddled with the dogs for an hour before I finally felt well enough to get my ass up and moving.
I was dizzy and nauseated through most of the day. Emotionally, I was much better. I guess I just needed a day to feel sorry for myself lol
I did have a few moments of irrational thinking and panic. See message snapshots below *facepalm
Justin also found the shirt that I had been wearing earlier in the day in our kitchen garbage can and had to have a talk with me about running things by him during this time before taking action. Haha… I didn’t really think much about what had happened, I just didn’t like how I looked in that shirt so I changed and tossed it into the trash (duh) 😉
As a whole, it was a much better day. Symptoms were the same with dizziness, nausea, hot flashes, slight bloating, and of course, irritable as fuck.
Onto day 3. Let’s do it.
Day 3
PRAISE THE LORD. Today was 1000000% easier with the shots. I had an early morning and ended up taking the shots after a snack, some coffee, and some reading. I don’t know if it was a better combo in general or what, but I had very minimal nausea, dizziness, or hot flashes, and the shots were pretty painless. Bravo Coach Bae!
I had planned a little mini getaway in our RV for us so we could break up this week a little and have something to look forward to. I think my attitude overall today was pretty positive just knowing I was going to be in the mountains soon enough.
My energy was better than normal, mood was pretty solid, and symptoms were pretty dang minimal until the evening when I cramped up and bloated like I’ve never bloated before. This is something that I’ve expected because it is the main symptoms of both of the meds, but as someone who rarely experiences cramping, I was pretty uncomfortable. I’ve actually decided to document my progress with this swelling and bloating with daily photos (see below)
I’m feeling much more positive about this process after today, I feel like emotionally and physically it’s definitely something I can handle. I still feel like such a baby with how much I dislike what my body is feeling, but I’m, just going to roll with these emotions and hope I don’t lose any friends through this process 😉
I had a quick doctor’s appointment to get some bloodwork and get a snapshot of where my estrogen levels are. They called me and said everything looks great and is right on track. Yay for no additional meds for the time being! Tomorrow is one week out from our egg retrieval, so just hanging on and taking things one day at a time.
Oh, and if you’re wondering… yes. Irritability is still at an all-time high.
